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Marketing For Dummies

Direct Marketing:
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!”

Advertising:
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, “He’s very rich. Marry him.”

Telemarketing:
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me.”

Public Relations:
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, “By the way, I’m very rich “Will you marry me?”

Brand Recognition:
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, “You are very rich…”

Customer Feedback:
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I’m rich. Marry me”. She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

Earth To Men, DO You Copy?

Men – Simplified

1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money, think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don’t think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and never make the first move!!!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s a womans job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.

Simple enough really.

And How to Make a Man Happy

1. Show up naked.
2. Bring food.

Dealing With Mommie’s Boys :D

He didn’t like the curry
And he didn’t like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard…
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn’t prepare the coffee right
He didn’t like the stew,
I didn’t mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Isn’t there anything I could do
To match his mothers shoe
Then I smiled as I saw light
One thing I could definitely do
I turned around and slapped him tight…
Just like his mother used to !!!!!

What Men Do…And What Men Really Want To Do…

Disturbing Beer Study

A group of university scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that,by drinking enough beer, men turn
into Women.

To test the theory 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1. Gained weight
2. Talked excessively without making sense
3. Became overly emotional
4. Couldn’t drive
5. Failed to think rationally
6. Argued over nothing
7. Had to sit down while urinating
8. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary!

Two Bored Casino Dealers

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a quiet table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,”Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed…”YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”

The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

MORAL : Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men

The Guys Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down – finally, the guys’ side of the story. I must admit, it’s pretty good.

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are “their rules”! Please note.. These are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria ‘s Secret girls, don’t Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, You probably are.
Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX, CARS, the shotgun formation, or BASEBALL.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.